80 Comments

I agree. I broke the habit of sharing cute family moments on social media almost 3 years ago. I wasn’t making any money off it; it was purely to share with family, friends and acquaintances and experience their attention and approval, through love emojis etc. But doing such a thing regularly creates a performative perspective: the awareness of an audience absolutely does creep into the intimate moments. It took me months after quitting to stop thinking in “Facebook updates” Occasionally, one will still pop into my head. But I no longer feel any desire to share my private life on this performative way, and on the rare occasions I do make a Facebook post it’s with a great deal of thought and even anxiety: the dopamine rush is gone.

The other side of this is I do feel a desire to be visible, to be connected, ti take risks and be part of a larger discourse. But this desire predates social media and having ceased creating social media content, I can seek to better understand it. For me, writing more thoughtful, rare, and lengthy posts on my blogs feels more authentic. They don’t get anything like the attention my Facebook posts did, but then if I’m honest with myself, nobody owes me their attention. I’m not that special. A few people have said they miss my Facebook presence, but the ones that really care, can get ahold of me other ways. If they don’t want to, then I don’t need to be there for their entertainment (as the song says LOL).

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As a teacher of 13/14 yos, I can see the impact of this on the development of kids. No more are the boundaries between ... well anything. They have no concept of the division between home and school, formal or informal, appropriate or inappropriate. All lines have been blurred (thanks post moderns). A student shared the other day that he had to fart. First time in my career for that; also for kids mocking me - while I'm right there! They all think they're little social media stars.

Growing up in an age where nothing is private, nothing is sacred, nothing is not worth sharing, please get me a time machine. I'm just grateful for memories.

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This is a leap, but reduced access to arts education (especially music) seems to exacerbate the problem of undisciplined expression. Playing and writing music, fiction writing, poetry, formal humanities essays writing, painting etc. all satisfy a deep need to personally project something out into the world, without the overt personal revelations. Simone Weil said something about the highest, most beautiful art lacking traces of the artist's personality. Through genuine art it's possible to feel like we are giving without being diminished and demeaned. Three words to sum up the opposite of Weil's conception of beautiful art: Tracey Emin's bed. That said, I get why the bed was deemed humorous (NB. Not actually "funny" exactly , but playful) in a more proprietous age.

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Agree wi that insight. I believe it connects w why music sucks these days too.

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Yes, it's a breeding ground for narcissists. Parents, in some kind of misinformed warp think they have to continuously affirm their children, otherwise they will damage their self-esteem. They are all superheroes and have unlimited potential.

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Don't I know it- along with the flip side that the teacher is the enemy and the child is believed at all costs, no matter how egregious the behavior.

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I worked in schools as a chaplain, and was asked by a pre-primary teacher to attend a parent meeting she had called to address behaviour problems of the entire class. She showed me a long list: using foul language, destroying each other's property, hitting, spitting, name calling, stealing, bullying...the list went on and on. There was no child in the class who wasn't involved in something. The parents were outraged, in total denial, and then blamed the teacher. One parent claimed that the teacher's reward stickers were not good enough!!🤣

And that was about 15 years ago!!

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My heart goes out to that teacher! It's rough out there for sure! I'm looking to book a massage after a parent told me in an email today it was my fault the kid doesn't take the class seriously! 😫

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No wonder here in Australia teachers are leaving the profession in droves. Good to hear you are taking care of yourself!

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In the US too.

Thanks- trying!!!

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I honestly do not understand the human need for attention, this constant, whining, overwhelming need some humans have for attention. Non-stop attention.

Gets old.

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I think most people want to be seen and acknowledged to some degree, and most of us probably like a compliment every now and then or a chance to commiserate over something. But it easily becomes an addiction.

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I like liver treats.

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I totally get the human need for attention. I think everyone longs to be really deeply loved and seen. But because most of us humans didn't get that attention and love, pure presence from our care-givers early on, it comes out in strange shallow ways when we are older.

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Ha! Most forms of love are attention of some kind, I think. Mutual attention in about equal amounts maybe isn't so bad?

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It's different for cats, I think.

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Cats are very popular on social media, btw)

PS I am very glad to see you here.

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There are several of us posting here. Also, a couple of rats, a dog, some other animals, one creature that calls itself a "nephilim" that I have never personally encountered but it sounds like it might be a kind of Cat Eating Monster, etc..

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I would be glad to chat in comment section of more serious articles, but I am not subscribed to them. Due to sanctions, of course. I have a blog here toom

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?? Try Caitlin Johnstone's Substack.

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This was such a timely article for me. I set out to write about my sons’ journey in autism and disability, because it is becoming such a crushing wave of disability in our youngest generation, but I have stalled time and time again because there’s a line between maintaining the dignity of the people involved and telling the raw, unpretty truth of the reality of this condition.

I quit following mommy influencers some years ago. And even the special needs ones often stray into the unrealistic realm, which contributes to a fantasy sheen on this world that is pretty much a lie.

But words need to be said. Stories need to be told. Thank you for the food for thought.

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I know exactly what you mean by the fantasy sheen that autism can acquire online and it is one of those topics that I tend to get fired up about. The popularity of people claiming to be “on the spectrum” who obviously are not, the idea that this is a trendy boutique self-diagnosis obscures what the diagnosis means and dismisses the suffering of parents, children, and adults living with it.

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Me too! And exactly why I started writing about it. This whole “identity” thing just being a “different way of thinking or being” is just wildly insane. Especially for those profoundly impacted by the disorder. It’s not an identity and it’s not and entitlement. But it is devastating to those who suffer.

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Absolutely. Autism awareness is needed, but I've found there is a tendency to highlight the "palatable" aspects of it as opposed to the raw reality of children who have high and debilitating needs.

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Even the reality of high functioning autistic people is painted with too bright a brush. It runs (gallops really) in our family. I grew up friendless and bullied, never understanding why no one liked me. No one other than my husband, children and grandchildren still likes me but at least I have some idea why. My eldest son has difficulty working with others, controlling his temper over injustices, and generally trying to fit into a world in which the social rules have become ever more feminized, something very difficult for even the cleverest autistics to navigate. We both have well above average intelligence. Public life has been generally hellish even with this decided advantage. Being completely shut out from social interaction or having to put on an elaborate act just to be tolerated with poor grace is exhausting. No one talks about this when they showcase savants.

He has, somewhat ironically, ended up as a therapist working with and diagnosing autism in children. His empathy for these kids, much more disadvantaged than him or me, is astonishing. I remember reading that only about 15% of people on the autism spectrum are able to hold a job. They certainly aren’t all highly paid silicone valley computer geeks. Some of that 15% are stocking shelves at night or pushing a broom, jobs that don’t require social skills and are repetitive and soothing. The other 85% and their parents bear much larger burdens, off-stage.

The whole autistic savant mystique makes me cringe. With all our advantages autism has been a lifelong burden, and we know that we are the lucky ones.

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Beautifully stated. Thank you for sharing.

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Oct 23, 2023Liked by Mary Harrington

A related term to "modesty" is "chastity", and while it is commonly understood as an absence of sexual activity, it actually means much more. The Church Slavonic word for "chastity" is "tselomudrie", meaning something like "whole-wiseness" or "wise-wholeness" (https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/%D1%86%D0%B5%D0%BB%D0%BE%D0%BC%D1%83%D0%B4%D1%80%D0%B8%D0%B5). I think it is so important to remember that unrestrained sharing, especially on social media, fractures us internally as well as externally. To take Mary's example, if you're carving a pumpkin with your child and thinking about how you will post about it later on, you're fractured - part of you is not with your child.

Thank you for this post, Mary, it's a reminder for me to keep trying to hold myself whole and wise in the face of the constant onslaught of the internet (where one does find gems such as Mary's substack, otherwise I would have quit it all years ago!).

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When I was young the kind of modesty you're talking of was the norm, at least it was in Britain. Divulging personal information, other than to one's most intimate family and friends (and not necessarily even then) was 'just not the done thing'.

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Oversharing, verbal diarrhea. These were the words we used to discuss someone who had a tendency to tell you too much, too soon, especially intimate details. Now keeping things inside is bad for you and your "mental health." I wonder if this desire to overshare is part of the therapy culture, the atomization of the individual and the desire for intimate connection because community ties have weakened.

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"Digital modesty is a general disposition: an effort, however difficult it is in practice, to avoid any form of online self-presentation that veers into spectacle."

Goodness, Mary, I am very grateful for this post and these words.

I'm not an Instagram influencer, and my substack has only about 40 followers. My writing style leans more toward the ensouling language ethic, which I learned from many friends in the mythopoetic community, and Stephen Harod Buhner. I love this way of writing because I am constantly being asked by the world to write from my heart, soul, spirit, and my deep connection to the animate world.

I'm also a poet, and I just can't write poetry in the abstract, it has to come from my deep feminine feelings.

However, I do appreciate the call for modesty and greater discernment here on what I share.

One of the things that has been most painful for me in my own family system and cultural wounding, is feeling like a spectacle. This spectacleness, and it's conditioning, begins very early for most people in dominant culture. It's been going on far beyond our digital age, but I do feel the ways it has deeply increased with the cyberborg social media realm. It reminds me of the book Simulations by Jean Baudrillard- all the ways we've turned people and things into museums and things to look at, rather than sacred beings.

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Sounds like you've got the very spiritual self-presentation down pat.

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Well, the way it landed is that this comment is very demeaning, which is no way to treat any human. I do not like being talked to in that way.

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Would you mind articulating more of what you are trying to say here?

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There is no freedom without privacy. Privacy and modesty as you describe are very closely linked. And I think you're right to worry about the effects of over-sharing on relationships and our loved ones. I've seen it in real life, kids growing up with a warped sense of identity. Everything is a performance, and that's just ordinary people, not influences. Grim.

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"There is no freedom without privacy". Thank you, I need this quote for an event in my life : )

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Glad to be of service. Snappy, depressing slogans are my thing 🤣

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well I don't think this is a "slogan" it's a seminal concise statement. And it's not depressing either!! So there! 🤣 👏🏾 👏🏾 🌹

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And astute observation that can be broadened into many areas of feminism in general and Modern Life specifically. The Ancients understood the importance of the secret of the veiled of the Hidden. The feminine was always the place where this occurred. The modern world wants parades and metals and accolades but the ancient world understood that true power and manipulation comes from the hidden. There is no story in antiquity or ancient religious literature that doesn't involve the feminine in the background manipulating guiding and controlling the situation. Perhaps that's just literary trope but I don't think so. The feminine has given its power away to the machine and we can only hope that at some point it will be Discover it.

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On the topic of divorce, maybe another reason I’ve soured on cute social media posts and photos is that these in no way seem to predict whether a marriage will last or indeed whether a person is at all a decent human being.

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I love this idea. I definitely do have the same rules of not placing my family on social media but maybe sharing an outing with friends. Not everything is meant to be shared. Some things are sacred and should be kept close to the chest.

I definitely do need to ponder what is mine to share and what moments aren't fully mine to share.

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Your key phrase: "extend[ing] the logic of the market ever further into the human heart...."

The logic of the market. We all sell something for our livelihood. (If you're not buying something directly, on the internet, then as they say, YOU are the product.)

Mary, you sell ideas and insight and arguments.

Many others sell THEMSELVES, to one extent or the other—an interesting or appealing life, even a lifestyle to emulate. What do we call it, again, when we sell ourselves, our bodies, our intimacy...?

We face two spheres of life that have now long violated all normal boundaries: the market and the state. I look forward to models that circumvent and disempower these. We have to say No.

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I love this idea. The term “digital modesty” is so perfect.

When my son was born my husband and I agreed I wouldn’t share photos of him on social media. But now that he is old enough to be interested by the iPhone I find myself taking fewer and fewer pictures at all, because I don’t want the device to be around. And this practice has broken me of a lingering “I need to document this” attitude which has let me live more deeply in the present. I feel bad sometimes that I don’t have a lot of photos and video to share with grandparents, but I think ultimately this will be healthier for all of us.

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Try a Polaroid camera! Digital pictures get forgotten anyhow, but the Polaroids are great in their physicality. Bring back old tech to make up the difference. Video cameras could work as well :)

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Oh good idea! My husband and I have discussed getting a basic digital camera, but Polaroids would be amazing!

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Ditto Ditto Ditto! I thank God for Mary Harrington and her platform. Until I discovered her work I had started to believe I had gone off the rails. I have never known anyone who connected the same dots as I have on so many issues. Once again -I am grateful. And have a renewed courage to engage where I can. Thank you.

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Real life Truman (true man) Shows.

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When a person is isolated for a length of time, they go crazy. When a group of two people is formed, they vie for supremacy. Sharing your personal life for online affirmation and power is vying for supremacy, feminine style. There is no end to the maw. As Siochana says below, "But doing such a thing regularly creates a performative perspective".

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