The fact that you feel the need to mention in relation to your guest writer, "Don't read this in a prescriptive way!" confirms something I've always felt about Anglophone cultures (America, in particular, where I lived for 30 years): that whenever we discuss a state belonging to someone, unless we openly reject it, there is an assumption that we are proselytizing for that state to be a model for others. (Forgive me for not being very clear, but it's difficult to explain!) I noticed this because this assumption is totally absent in the culture I come from (Romanian) and in my second-acquired culture (French). It's as if people can't simply accept uniqueness--as if they need to imagine a category behind it (a reproducible model).
I agree, the presumptive caveats are irritating and harmful to good communication. As you've likely already noticed, the primary reason is that in certain North American circles the people who tendentiously misinterpret meaning to be something other than what is written or said are rewarded instead of punished.
If, instead of being rewarded, tendentious misinterpretations were gently punished there would be no need for the wasted and irritating caveat paragraphs.
Good option: 'Hunh!?! How did you go from me saying I tried vanilla ice cream and enjoyed it to an accusation that I demand everyone eat vanilla ice cream?' [tendentious misinterpreter now needs to justify their misinterpretation or back down.]
Current practice: 'OMG!!! I'm so sorry!! I totally did not mean that the fact that I tried vanilla ice cream and liked it means that everyone else must like vanilla ice cream, even if they are lactose intolerant or have a history of ice cream related trauma!! [unstated implication: 'You are a high status valiant defender of the weak, I am unworthy and must learn from you and do better considering the perspectives of the disadvantaged.' Net result is the tendentious misinterpreter is rewarded and those watching learn from the reward and change their behaviour.]
The catch is sometimes you do say or write something you should apologize for. In that case, apologize. But do it after you've messed up rather than presume in advance that you are going to mess up - and don't apologize if you didn't mess up.
You may find the caveats annoying, which is your prerogative of course! But my experience is that especially where this subject is concerned, the implicit assumption is always that whatever is being said is intended as prescriptive and universal. I make no apology about wanting to disrupt that presumptively in this context, and would (sorry) rather you find it annoying than set off a round of mummy wars
I think this makes perfect sense. I would so greatly prefer such caveats to not be necessary, but the unfortunate reality is that they often are. It's like a regrettable cultural morass we're stuck picking our way through in order for our meaning to be intelligible and not misconstrued to others. With this subject especially.
That is an excellent justification for the caveats! As far as the caveats go, the one in your article was well handled. Certainly better than I'd have managed. Even better would have been to explicitly call out the unhealthy implicit assumptions, as you do in your comment.
Absent the explicit criticism of the implicit assumption model, however adroitly worded, the caveats reinforce the unhealthy communication style rather than gently pushing back against it.
I've been trying to teach my daughter that concept: 'Don't apologize until someone got hurt'. Whether making a presentation, a dinner or just presenting an idea once it is put out there let the recipient decide don't pre-judge it for them!
As I think the author knows, one of the worst things about early-parenting suffering is that it often detonates a person's ability to imagine and feel long-term. This is no-one's fault. I have nothing but compassion for women in Hestia's situation: it is terrible to feel and experience these things, and the family isolation is particularly galling. But I wish she could genuinely feel what's coming. I know that it's impossible to feel it, but the difference between now and 4 years from now (and 5 years, and 10, and 25 years from now) is almost impossible to describe. The love, friendship and profound existential meaning is truly overwhelming at times. Not that I would dare to say that it makes anything "worth it" when I can't experience the same traumas, but it is all coming. Hang in there!
This is an excellent guest piece! We need more like this.
I couldn't help but wonder if the baby didn't properly inherit a healthy gut microbiome due to the C-section and lack of breastfeeding. This isn't something most doctors are aware of yet, and could definitely lead to the reflux issues mentioned. Something to think about for the next baby.
Oh shut the fuck up. This lady is posting about her difficult experience, she doesn't need some idiot on the internet blathering away about the gut microbiome.
I knew about this in advance and considered it an unfortunate trade-off. I knew the gut microbiome situation (from CS + formula feeding) would potentially swing the needle, but if I couldn't have done these things I would never have had children at all. It is what it is.
That's great! So many women feel judged when things like this are pointed out, but the ideal end state is for everyone to know all the details in order to make an informed decision. Obviously if this is the only way you could have a baby then it's better than not having one at all.
Not sure it is. Knowingly setting a person up for a lifetime of health issues just because one wants a baby is a level of selfishness that’s pretty bad for kids. “It is what it is” is a very alarming way to dismiss that stark fact.
What? Really? Plenty of ways to enhance the guy biome - don’t be too clean and let them eat dirt. I think if you have decided to remain child free - as is your prerogative - you need to keep this kind of opinion to yourself lest you receive some that are not palatable to you in return. She did in no way set her child up for a lifetime of health issues fgs.
I believe this interesting testimony, poised on the edge of hope, reveals the limitations of materialism.
The fact that Hestia says she feels “irritatingly embodied” sounds like an admission that finally her only regret may be “did not find God” before the Annunciation.
The hope is the thing. Praying for you Hestia! May God bless you and your family, bring you close to Him and cover you in His grace. I can personally relate to so much of what you wrote here, thank you for sharing it with us.
Just finished reading this and wow, Mary, you do such a great job writing on these topics! The part about the Cambridge Salon really made me think about how starved people are for places that slow us down and give room for depth.
The section on the trafficking situation was rough to sit with. What stood out to me wasn’t just the horror of what’s happening, but the bigger system behind it. There’s something so bleak about how loneliness and longing get turned into an industry, and then into a trap that destroys people’s lives.
And that last essay on motherhood… that one stayed with me the most. I appreciated how raw and unforced it was. She let her experience be complicated without trying to package it into some neat moral. It made me think about how little room women actually get to speak honestly about that first year, how much is expected, and how isolating it must feel when your inner reality doesn’t match anyone’s script. Her process of slowly rebuilding meaning felt incredibly human.
The fact that women in Japan pay for male companionship is incredibly sad. At least when men pay for sex they’re actually getting what they want, namely sex. These women are just lonely but are getting a depressingly false experience
I know it is different being a mother, or so I am led to believe, but for me there is nothing better in life than being a father. Nothing. At all! It is not even because my child is nice or fun or pretty or any of that. It is because she is a new person, and at the same time a part of me. It's a beautiful beautiful miracle, and women of course are right at the centre of that wondrous phenomenon. Whether it makes you 'happy' or not is almost besides the point. In becoming a parent, you are becoming a human in perhaps the deepest imaginable way.
Thank you, Hestia, for sharing your journey with such evocative words. Your ability to articulate your experience on so many levels - intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, physically, socially - gives me a full set of lenses to reflect on my own more clearly and carefully. Thank you. I wish we could be friends.
The guest essay is alarming. Lack of family support is very harmful to children. So is narcissism, which I get whiffs of here and there in this essay. I will, though, in all seriousness thank the guest essayist for confirming to me my choice to never procreate (as it can indeed be a rational decision based on one’s experience of embodiment).
Reading about the exploitation of Japanese women makes me furious at humanity and again confirms my choice not to add to it. Sounds like nihilism, I know (though no more than claiming that love is only hormones), but I prefer not to inflict consciousness on anyone without their consent, given how much struggle I have had with mine.
Thanks for sharing your story Hestia. Obviously a very difficult decision and time but glad things have got better and you, and your son, are now enjoying each other. And that you have a good husband.
Would just like to add how greatly welcome the Cambridge Salon is. I have been thinking for a while that we need such a movement. Heaven knows there is more than enough 'art' being produced that is self-consciously ugly and demeaning! As Francis Schaeffer has described, cultural kickbacks typically begin in the visual arts, so hopefully this is the start of good things to come!
I enjoyed "On Not Regretting Motherhood". Regret is an excellent measure of whether something is worthwhile. I'm not sure if he's succeeded, but I remember Musk saying his goal with X was that you would not regret spending time on it.
The fact that you feel the need to mention in relation to your guest writer, "Don't read this in a prescriptive way!" confirms something I've always felt about Anglophone cultures (America, in particular, where I lived for 30 years): that whenever we discuss a state belonging to someone, unless we openly reject it, there is an assumption that we are proselytizing for that state to be a model for others. (Forgive me for not being very clear, but it's difficult to explain!) I noticed this because this assumption is totally absent in the culture I come from (Romanian) and in my second-acquired culture (French). It's as if people can't simply accept uniqueness--as if they need to imagine a category behind it (a reproducible model).
I agree, the presumptive caveats are irritating and harmful to good communication. As you've likely already noticed, the primary reason is that in certain North American circles the people who tendentiously misinterpret meaning to be something other than what is written or said are rewarded instead of punished.
If, instead of being rewarded, tendentious misinterpretations were gently punished there would be no need for the wasted and irritating caveat paragraphs.
Good option: 'Hunh!?! How did you go from me saying I tried vanilla ice cream and enjoyed it to an accusation that I demand everyone eat vanilla ice cream?' [tendentious misinterpreter now needs to justify their misinterpretation or back down.]
Current practice: 'OMG!!! I'm so sorry!! I totally did not mean that the fact that I tried vanilla ice cream and liked it means that everyone else must like vanilla ice cream, even if they are lactose intolerant or have a history of ice cream related trauma!! [unstated implication: 'You are a high status valiant defender of the weak, I am unworthy and must learn from you and do better considering the perspectives of the disadvantaged.' Net result is the tendentious misinterpreter is rewarded and those watching learn from the reward and change their behaviour.]
The catch is sometimes you do say or write something you should apologize for. In that case, apologize. But do it after you've messed up rather than presume in advance that you are going to mess up - and don't apologize if you didn't mess up.
You may find the caveats annoying, which is your prerogative of course! But my experience is that especially where this subject is concerned, the implicit assumption is always that whatever is being said is intended as prescriptive and universal. I make no apology about wanting to disrupt that presumptively in this context, and would (sorry) rather you find it annoying than set off a round of mummy wars
I think this makes perfect sense. I would so greatly prefer such caveats to not be necessary, but the unfortunate reality is that they often are. It's like a regrettable cultural morass we're stuck picking our way through in order for our meaning to be intelligible and not misconstrued to others. With this subject especially.
That is an excellent justification for the caveats! As far as the caveats go, the one in your article was well handled. Certainly better than I'd have managed. Even better would have been to explicitly call out the unhealthy implicit assumptions, as you do in your comment.
Absent the explicit criticism of the implicit assumption model, however adroitly worded, the caveats reinforce the unhealthy communication style rather than gently pushing back against it.
I've been trying to teach my daughter that concept: 'Don't apologize until someone got hurt'. Whether making a presentation, a dinner or just presenting an idea once it is put out there let the recipient decide don't pre-judge it for them!
As I think the author knows, one of the worst things about early-parenting suffering is that it often detonates a person's ability to imagine and feel long-term. This is no-one's fault. I have nothing but compassion for women in Hestia's situation: it is terrible to feel and experience these things, and the family isolation is particularly galling. But I wish she could genuinely feel what's coming. I know that it's impossible to feel it, but the difference between now and 4 years from now (and 5 years, and 10, and 25 years from now) is almost impossible to describe. The love, friendship and profound existential meaning is truly overwhelming at times. Not that I would dare to say that it makes anything "worth it" when I can't experience the same traumas, but it is all coming. Hang in there!
This is an excellent guest piece! We need more like this.
I couldn't help but wonder if the baby didn't properly inherit a healthy gut microbiome due to the C-section and lack of breastfeeding. This isn't something most doctors are aware of yet, and could definitely lead to the reflux issues mentioned. Something to think about for the next baby.
Oh shut the fuck up. This lady is posting about her difficult experience, she doesn't need some idiot on the internet blathering away about the gut microbiome.
I'm not blaming her. Just providing info. I think she is incredibly brave for sharing her story with everyone.
I knew about this in advance and considered it an unfortunate trade-off. I knew the gut microbiome situation (from CS + formula feeding) would potentially swing the needle, but if I couldn't have done these things I would never have had children at all. It is what it is.
That's great! So many women feel judged when things like this are pointed out, but the ideal end state is for everyone to know all the details in order to make an informed decision. Obviously if this is the only way you could have a baby then it's better than not having one at all.
Not sure it is. Knowingly setting a person up for a lifetime of health issues just because one wants a baby is a level of selfishness that’s pretty bad for kids. “It is what it is” is a very alarming way to dismiss that stark fact.
What? Really? Plenty of ways to enhance the guy biome - don’t be too clean and let them eat dirt. I think if you have decided to remain child free - as is your prerogative - you need to keep this kind of opinion to yourself lest you receive some that are not palatable to you in return. She did in no way set her child up for a lifetime of health issues fgs.
“It’s hormones all the way down, baby.”
What a convoluted conclusion about motherhood!
I believe this interesting testimony, poised on the edge of hope, reveals the limitations of materialism.
The fact that Hestia says she feels “irritatingly embodied” sounds like an admission that finally her only regret may be “did not find God” before the Annunciation.
Well, I do my best to 'pray without ceasing' and live in hope it'll click for me at some point...
The hope is the thing. Praying for you Hestia! May God bless you and your family, bring you close to Him and cover you in His grace. I can personally relate to so much of what you wrote here, thank you for sharing it with us.
I noticed, I don't feel sorry for you, you do it pretty well.
"at some point" matters.
Just finished reading this and wow, Mary, you do such a great job writing on these topics! The part about the Cambridge Salon really made me think about how starved people are for places that slow us down and give room for depth.
The section on the trafficking situation was rough to sit with. What stood out to me wasn’t just the horror of what’s happening, but the bigger system behind it. There’s something so bleak about how loneliness and longing get turned into an industry, and then into a trap that destroys people’s lives.
And that last essay on motherhood… that one stayed with me the most. I appreciated how raw and unforced it was. She let her experience be complicated without trying to package it into some neat moral. It made me think about how little room women actually get to speak honestly about that first year, how much is expected, and how isolating it must feel when your inner reality doesn’t match anyone’s script. Her process of slowly rebuilding meaning felt incredibly human.
Best wishes to Hestia.
To be honest there’s a whiff of the Japanese host club about Substack.
The fact that women in Japan pay for male companionship is incredibly sad. At least when men pay for sex they’re actually getting what they want, namely sex. These women are just lonely but are getting a depressingly false experience
I know it is different being a mother, or so I am led to believe, but for me there is nothing better in life than being a father. Nothing. At all! It is not even because my child is nice or fun or pretty or any of that. It is because she is a new person, and at the same time a part of me. It's a beautiful beautiful miracle, and women of course are right at the centre of that wondrous phenomenon. Whether it makes you 'happy' or not is almost besides the point. In becoming a parent, you are becoming a human in perhaps the deepest imaginable way.
Thank you, Hestia, for sharing your journey with such evocative words. Your ability to articulate your experience on so many levels - intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, physically, socially - gives me a full set of lenses to reflect on my own more clearly and carefully. Thank you. I wish we could be friends.
Thank you, Mary!
The guest essay is alarming. Lack of family support is very harmful to children. So is narcissism, which I get whiffs of here and there in this essay. I will, though, in all seriousness thank the guest essayist for confirming to me my choice to never procreate (as it can indeed be a rational decision based on one’s experience of embodiment).
Reading about the exploitation of Japanese women makes me furious at humanity and again confirms my choice not to add to it. Sounds like nihilism, I know (though no more than claiming that love is only hormones), but I prefer not to inflict consciousness on anyone without their consent, given how much struggle I have had with mine.
omg your guest writer's prose is as beautiful as yours
Thanks for sharing your story Hestia. Obviously a very difficult decision and time but glad things have got better and you, and your son, are now enjoying each other. And that you have a good husband.
Wow! Didn’t realize there was such a thing a thing in Japan 🇯🇵
Would just like to add how greatly welcome the Cambridge Salon is. I have been thinking for a while that we need such a movement. Heaven knows there is more than enough 'art' being produced that is self-consciously ugly and demeaning! As Francis Schaeffer has described, cultural kickbacks typically begin in the visual arts, so hopefully this is the start of good things to come!
I enjoyed "On Not Regretting Motherhood". Regret is an excellent measure of whether something is worthwhile. I'm not sure if he's succeeded, but I remember Musk saying his goal with X was that you would not regret spending time on it.